Life.Of.Sin

I’m going to post a shitload of avatars, including ones I’ve already used.  Take them, it’s not like I own them. 

I’ll put up more later.  Right now I have to go play pool.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe/Gerard Way, aka Dru

I am sitting in front of the computer eating Lucky Charms instead of cleaning the house like my mother hinted at.  Why?  Because I don’t want to clean the house.  I can’t play my music because my sister is sleeping, so I figure I might as well update my blog and eat Lucky Charms.  At least I’m eating, right?

In about an hour I’m going to call my dad.  Oh, and I called the doctor’s office and made an appointment for Friday and 9:20 in the a.m.  My sister has volleyball practice, so we’ll already be in Auburn at nine to pick her up. 

Did I ever mention that getting a new doctor makes me really nervous?  Especially when I’m going to this doctor to get a referal to a counselor because I have a fear of commitment and men?!  ‘Hello, I have a fear of intimacy with men, will you refer me?’

They’re going to want my history.  It’s just weird because I’ve changed so much.  Five months ago I had blonde hair and my biggest fixation was my next cigarette and Harry Potter.  Three months ago I was desperately trying to distance myself from Dad and DiAnn by getting tattoos, smoking, and listening to ‘Helena’ really loud.

Now, I’m a punk.  A punk who likes rock music, needs new fishnets, no longer smokes, has considered pot, has been drunk once, wants to get laid and can’t, has phone sex, and masturbates constantly.  (Actually, I’ve been masturbating constantly since I was fifteen, so . . .)

I was supposed to put in job applications today, but I thought about it.  Who’s going to hire someone that looks like me?  Apparently I can’t work at our sadass grocery store or the bars.  All that’s left is this little resteraunt and Casey’s.  At least in walking distance.

This blog is so therapeutic for me.  I can bitch and bitch and bitch.

It’s also great to know people actually read this now.  I get comments and I’m all smiles through my lipliner.  So, I need to say thanks to everyone who commented, even that bitch Katie (she inspired two posts, after all).

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe/Gerard Way, aka Dru

Another one.  Don’t steal.

Sometimes

you scare me sometimes
when you kiss me sometimes
and we make love sometimes
and you hold me and whisper

sometimes

you love me sometimes
when you kiss me sometimes
and you buy me roses sometimes
and we curl up next to each other

sometimes

you hate me sometimes
when you hit me sometimes
and when you thrust into me sometimes
and you call me a bitch and a cunt and a whore

sometimes

sometimes

God, today is just so random . . . but productive.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe, aka Dru

Random things I wanted to say about myself or whatever:

I think cocaine is the most romantic drug.  I have a quote running around somewhere, actually the last four lines of a poem: however may an angel/not end her life/with slit wrists/and a cocaine high

I still think vodka is the most romantic alcohol, although I reconsidered after I tasted that shit.  Nasty.  However, I still find it romantic.

“It’s easier to get your tit in the door than to get your foot in it.” 

I love Care Bears, My Little Ponies, Rainbow Brite, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and Eureka’s Castle.

I still argue with myself about my sexuality.

I talk to myself.

I usually lipsync to songs unless I’m alone in the car.  I have a terrible singing voice.  I did sing at pool yesterday, though.

I’m terrified of bugs.

I don’t like to blow dry my hair.  I say it’s damaging, but the truth is:
a) I can’t do it right, so it gets all frizzy.
b) I’m too lazy!

I’m Bipolar II.

I’m addicted to sugar.

I’m worried I may one day become addicted to alcohol.

I’m terrified of getting old.

I’ve recently reconsidered self-mutilation and bullemia as a form of release . . . again.

I scare myself on a regular basis.

I’m afraid no one thinks I’m pretty.

When I’m bored, I pretend (in my head) what other people will say about me when I’m famous.

I once wrote an interview transcript for when I get famous.

I used to eat dill pickles and chocolate pudding . . . mixed together.

I once signed my best friend’s ass with permanent marker.

I practice kissing on my pillow and on the couch.

I have given a vibrator head.

I used to refuse to give head.  I’ve never given it, but I’ve reconsidered and decided if he washes it and I don’t swallow, it’s okay.

My eyes hurt when I cry.

I like to watch boys kiss, but I’ve never actually seen gay porn.  (Most unfortunate.)

I trick myself into believing I need no one’s approval.  I don’t need everyone’s approval, but I need some approval.

I cry when I think about how much mine and Chris’ relationship has changed.

2 totes, 5 cardboard boxes, my email account, and several notebooks hold all my stories (finished and nonfinished) from fifth grade to present.  That’s seven and a half years.

I used to write Sailor Moon fanfiction.

I’ve considered just running out and getting pregnant.

Today I considered taking my car, as soon as I get one, and driving straight to NYC.

Sometimes I wonder if I was molested as a child.

I’d say that at least 25% of the time I hate myself.

I don’t eat enough.

I love it when people stare at me, but sometimes I feel like a freak.

I cry when homophobes email or say things to me.

I started bawling in my Sociology class when Kerry conceded the election.

I didn’t stop for an hour.

I once dressed my best male friend up in drag and then cried when he was called a fag.  (Three times in one day.)

I used to be a vegetarian.

I’ve masturbated twice today, both within the last hour.

Sometimes when I masturbate, I pretend I’m a guy and there’s another guy.

How’s that for random?

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe/Gerard Way, aka Dru

Wrote another poem.  Two minutes.  I don’t know.  Don’t steal.

Choking On Screams

do you ever sometimes feel
that it’s never good enough
and even when you work your ass of
there’s nothing left to do
and then you crawl in a corner
and block out the world
and you draw your curtains
so the sunlight can’t find you?

and you swallow pills
and smoke too much
and empty glass bottles fill your room
and you just wish you couldn’t wake up
and there’s dried blood on the floor again
and a razor blade clatters

and they whisper that they saved you
and all you can think is
’saved me from what?
your guilt?
because i would have been happy
to just lay there and die’
saved me from heaven to leave me in hell
thanks a lot

you can’t move
they’re afraid you’ll cut again
so you’re strapped to a bed
and they feed you through a tube
because you don’t want to eat their food
and you choke on your own tears
and your own screams
and wonder
what the fuck is it all for?

Yeah, don’t ask.  I don’t know where it came from.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Bille Joe, aka Dru

I can see why she put me right.  Thanks so much for the link.  These are so beautiful.

After careful trying, I couldn’t get the pictures on here, so I went looking on google.

  This is a picture Gerard drew.  Found it at some MSN group thing.  It could be charcoal, could be picture.  I love that it’s not perfectly defined.

Heh . . . I found a couple quotes on my way to get artwork.  Yeah, so I just thought I’d share.

“If you’re gonna buy me a present, don’t spend more than twenty five bucks, you’ll get a blowjob anyway.” - Gerard Way

“I’d enjoy it if a guy grabbed my ass. I guess it all depends on how he grabbed it, too.” - Gerard Way

Okay, Gerard Way did not do this next picture, but it was just so damn cute.  Her name’s Gothic Moon and you can view the post where this was posted at: http://www.mlparena.com/Forums/viewtopic/t=39750.html

  I thought it was adorable, but I love My Little Ponies, so . . . I’m a bit biased.

Okay, I’m having difficulty finding artwork.  This sucks.  Nothing will save as a JPEG or just copy right over.  I’m all sad now.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe/Gerard Way, aka Dru

Oh my God.  Thanks to Rulinian Wexile.  That picture in the My Chemical Romance Pictures post . . . was not drawn by Gerard.  The black and white one that made me sad?  I typed something in and it popped up, so I just assumed . . .

Thank you so much.  It makes me feel stupid, but better.  I can correct the mistake. 

This is the link of the girl who drew the picture: http://rimfrost.deviantart.com/  Oh my God.  I’m so sorry.

But thank you so much for the comment and the correction.  I’m glad I entertain you.  I’m glad people are reading this blog.  It’s awesome and makes me smile through my purple lipliner. 

I’m going to go post some pictures Gerard actually did draw.  Thanks Rulinian!

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe/Gerard Way, aka Dru, aka such a fucking idiot

Here’s another post from the not-so-smart Katie.  I opened it after the other one, which is why it wasn’t featured in the last post.  Katie wrote:

“and you want to try pot?
wtf
its not that big of a deal
just do it”

I don’t get it.  What’s with the line break after every sentence or sentence fragment.  Punctation, two spaces.  Try it sometime.

Oh, and to counter what she said.

I’m in college.  If I get caught doing pot, no financial aid.  It goes on my record.  I understand my reasons for wanting to do pot and they’re not good enough currently.  I’m a person to consider cause and effect, action and reaction.  I’m not going to rush out and do something when I know my reasons aren’t good enough.

Pot may  not be that big of a deal; my best friend does pot.  I, on the other hand, am not sure it’s right for me.  You know, the whole it being an illegal drug thing? 

So, no.  Not right now.  Thanks for caring though.

Katie, your face must hurt, because once again . . . you’ve just been bitch-slapped.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe, aka Dru, aka Hahafuckingha

Flames are so dumb.  I mean, they wouldn’t be so bad if the people who wrote them actually acted like they were smart, rather than acting like they’re better than you.

She left no email or web address, so I don’t feel bad using her name.  ‘Katie’ wrote this:

“green day sucks now
only their old stuff was good
like 1,000 smoothed out slappy hours
yeah i wouldnt expect you to know what that is”

And by the way, it was ‘1000 Hours’ on the ‘1039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hours’ CD.  Just so you know.

I mean, if you’re going to diss me at least use proper capitalization and punctuation.  Less sentence fragments next time, please. 

And I do know that song.  I also know ‘Geek Stink Breath’, ‘Welcome to Paradise’, ‘2000 Light Years Away’ and assorted others.  I prefer their more recent sound, like Kerplunk, Dookie, Nimrod, and American Idiot CDs.  I respect their beginnings, but I’m the first to admit I was 1 when the fucking band started!  You know, I wasn’t really listening to Green Day then.  I was in Spain.

The first Green Day CD I ever owned was ‘Nimrod’.  A few years later Napster was invented, so I looked up their old songs.  I was in fifth grade or something when I got the CD, of course I didn’t have the money to buy every CD they ever did.  I don’t even have the money now.  That is a lot of fucking CDs.

Furthermore, I respect growth in artists.  I don’t just jump off the bandwagon because their sound evolved.  (The exception being boy bands and Britney Spears.  Sue me; I was twelve.)

So, I’ve just created what I shall call me dissing back people who diss me.

Katie . . . you’ve just been bitch-slapped.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe, aka Dru, aka why don’t you just shut the fuck up?

I go home in about fifteen minutes, so this may or may not be my last post of the night, but it will be my last post from the school.

Today I drove around twon for forty minutes chasing those Goth boys.  I ended up throwing a note with my email address in their yard.  That’s about it.  I drove past them blasting my music a few times.  I have a feeling this weird romance thing isn’t going to work out.

a) I don’t know how old they are.
b) I don’t know which one I want.
c) I can’t address letters to them because I don’t know their fucking names!

Yeah, it seems like a long shot.  Oh, well.

I have officially resigned from the ‘N War’.  I’m just not into him anymore I guess.  He’s a good friend and all, but as much as talking about needing to get help for my fear of commitment made me good for a week or so . . . it’s back.

I’m calling tomorrow to set up an appointment.

I’ll also call my dad.

And it’s NBW tomorrow, but I’m not sure if we’re playing pool.  I’m going to class, though.  We have a quiz over a book I haven’t read and all I did was watch the movie.

I am sooooooo tired. 

Oh!  I dyed my hair again.  This time I put purple on top of the blue and it turned out really cool.  I’m going to have to charge my digital camera so I can put some pictures of myself up.  I look so much different than I did in May, which is the only picture of myself I have on my computer.

But my hair is all sex-ay now.

I miss Chris.  He hasn’t answer my last two IMs.  I know it’s because he’s mobile so he’s just on all the time, but I miss him.  I want to talk to him.  Our relationship has changed so much since we went so long without talking.  It makes me sad.  Chris is my soul.  It’s like a changed relationship with my soul.

Grrrrrrrrr….

I feel kinda depressed.  Maybe I really haven’t been eating for a reason.  I want to try pot now all of a sudden, my obsessions are a little out of hand again . . . I really need to take my meds regularly.  Going to the shrink/counselor person should help.

I don’t like being depressed.  Yeah, I can write some neat shit, but I can get in a depressed mindset to write pretty damn well when I’m not all ‘kill me the pain is to great if you don’t pull the trigger I’ll suffocate’.  Not bad, eh?  Just pulled that out of my ass.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe/Gerard Way, aka Dru