Life.Of.Sin

I was really fucked up yesterday, wasn’t I?  It’s okay.  I found out why I was having all those weird mood swings and stabbing myself.  I just started my period, so my emotions are a little fucked up.  I know you probably didn’t need that information, but I figured I’d share it.  So, if my emotions are haywire this week, at least you know why.

I talked to Remi online last night.  We discussed lots of stuff and then we discussed me stabbing myself and suicide and his kitty in the hospital and how we missed each other. 

I want to go see him for Spring Break.  I hope he’ll let me.  Remi and I don’t talk as much as we used to, but he’s still my best friend.  It’s just weird.

I guess I have to tell my therapist next week that I stabbed myself in the wrist three times with a staple, left a mark, and was considering how pretty my blood would look.  And I was all worried I’d be a boring patient last week.  Hmmmm . . .

I still can’t get that line out of my head though (’17 & coming clean for the first time’).  That line hurts me still when I hear it, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing.  Like I said in the post, I still don’t know.  Why should I figure it out? 

Anyway, I’m going to eat something, take a shower, do my make up and hopefully be in a better mood.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe, aka Dru

This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system.  beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

I’m going to fess up.  I didn’t take my meds yesterday or this morning.  I’m really moody, I feel like crying, and I’m starting to think self-mutilation isn’t that big a deal.  That post where I spilled everything (“Coming Clean”) just sort of opened the doors.

Now I’m on the verge of tears, when I’m not in tears, and rocking in my seat.  I’ve go the words “lalala i can’t hear you” stuck in my head and I’m having the same rock-star obsessed feelings I had in seventh grade when I cut my wrists for a boy band.

This is not good.  Deep breaths. 1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . .

I. Feel. Like. I. Want. To. Crawl. Into. Darkness.

I can’t get the lyrics of that song out of my head.  ’seventeen and coming clean for the first time . . . mom and dad will never understand.’

I don’t know what to do.  That’s why I’m typing this.  I’m a little freaked out.

Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll be fine tomorrow.

Right now it really hurts and I don’t quite understand why.  I just feel kind of broken inside.  I hurt and I don’t really know why.  I just feel so open.  I feel like I was violated.  I feel that loss of innocence really bad right now.  I feel like my world is crashing down.

I don’t understand.

Billie Joe wrote this song when he was confused about whether or not he was a bisexual.  The lyrics make me cry.  Seriously, I’ve got fucking tears in my eyes right now.  It’s so . . . broken.  Broken innocence, tarnished dreams.  No one understand you.  You’re lost.  You were this perfect creation and suddenly you feel so violated and cheap. 

Wait . . . read the lyrics before I start a discussion about me coming out and going back in and deciding once and for all my sexuality.

Seventeen and strung out on confusion
Trapped inside a roll of disillusion

That would do it.  I started questioning my sexuality when I was sixteen.  I was so into gay rights that everyone (including my parents) ‘knew’ I was bi.  I really didn’t think I was, but they said it so much.  I know it’s kind of the opposite of what he’s saying, but I really thought I should be bi at least.  I thought that maybe they were right and I was hiding it.  I couldn’t figure that out though because I would have had no problem saying I was gay or bi.

I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and dad will never understand

That hurts.  When I ‘came out’ with my false sexuality, I told my mom first.  Then I told my dad.  And I asked about my stepmom who is a firm believer that homosexuality is wrong and gay people should never be able to get married.  She’s a bigot basically.  And he had to tell her so I wouldn’t freak out.  And then I asked him not to tell my brothers because I didn’t want them to have to deal with the shit at school.  But she insisted on telling the whole fucking household.  She just couldn’t figure out that I didn’t want people to know.  She thought I was a freak.  She hated me for it.  I believe that.

Secrets collecting dust but never forget
Skeletons come to life in my closet

You hide things so much and then they just . . . they just sort of come out (no pun intended), you know?  Like I said up there ^, it was kind of the opposite for me.  I had to take back what I said about being ‘bi’.  I didn’t think I was, so I had to take it back.  I had been pretending I was bi, rather than pretending I was straight.  Then I had to ‘come out’ all over again when I realized I wasn’t straight, but I wasn’t bi, but I wasn’t a lesbian.  I just didn’t care anymore and I wanted to be attracted to whoever I wanted.

I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and dad will never understand

I used to cry over my sexualilty.  I was so confused.  First I was straight, then I was bi, then I was straight, then I didn’t know, and then I didn’t care.  It still makes me think sometimes. 

What’s happening to me
Seventeen and coming clean for the first time

It still hurts to think about it.  I’m crying now.  Well, trying not to bawl or anything.  But it’s so true.  It hurts.  You don’t know what’s happening.  You just don’t understand.  You always thought you were one way and then . . . boom! . . . you’re not.  It’s kind of like a really mean joke.  You just sort of look at yourself in the mirror and think ‘oh my god.  what the fuck is happening?’

I finally figured out myself for the first time

After the first time I ‘came out’ it took me two years to come to grips with my actual sexuality.  That was this year.  Last week.  I’m 18 years old.  I ‘came out’ when I was 16.  I never officially took my bisexual status back.  I don’t classify myself as a bisexual.  I just don’t care anymore.  I don’t understand the need for all the labels.  Why does it matter who I might want to screw or kiss or spend the rest of my life with or just date or have a crush on?  Does it really matter what I call myself?

I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and dad will never understand

I don’t think you ever really do find out.  It keeps changing.  I think you kind of wonder even if you aren’t afraid anymore.  It changes and evolves just like everything else.  I think I’m more open with my sexuality now than when I was at that party and kissed every girl in the room (7).

What’s happened to me

It’s not fair.  It’s not fair that people who are gay or bi have to be persecuted against or worry what their parents and their friends will think.  And it’s not fair to put pressure on someone as to what their sexuality is.  You’ve got to do it yourself otherwise they take it so seriously.  And it is serious, but not enough to rush out of the closet for.  It’s something that takes time.  I don’t think you should ever really decide, just do what feels right.  I know saying that makes people think I’m bi, but I’m not. 

Seventeen and strung out on confusion
Trapped inside a roll of disillusion
I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and dad will never understand
Secrets collecting dust but never forget
Skeletons come to life in my closet
I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and dad will never understand
What’s happening to me
Seventeen and coming clean for the first time
I finally figured out myself for the first time
I found out what it takes to be a man
Mom and dad will never understand
What’s happened to me

And I still don’t know.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe, aka Dru, aka . . . I just don’t really know anymore

Look at those pictures and tell me you don’t see two happy couples.

  How can they hate so much?

I have been at the library since 1 in the afternoon.  It is almost 8:30.  I’m not super bored anymore though.  I’m kinda bored, but I’m talking to myself in the library and that keeps me less bored.

I wrote a poem for the ‘Poetry in Motion’ contest at poetry.com (it’s rumored Billie Joe has an ‘account’ there under B. Armstrong.  2 poems, read them both.)

Anyway, it’s not really fit for anything but my blog.  (They give you words and you have to mash them into a poem.)

La La La
desire found laughing
love lends
pun on me
only son
la la la . . .

Yeah, I know.  I’m totally fucked up. 

I sat here and watched Green Day videos I found online.  Not music videos though.  I watched 3 of their 7 acceptance speeches at the MTV VMA’s, among other things.  Awww…Billie kissed Addie three times on camera during those three speeches.  And he thanked her and Joey and Jakob.  And Mike said to bring the troops home.  And Tre was kissing all the girls from Destiny’s Child.  And Billie said fuck. 

I know, I sound like a teenie, but I loved watching them win moonmen. 

Billie has this weird voice too.  It’s a bit higher than I would have imagined.  Not like he’s a soprano or anything.  It’s hard to explain.  I love it.  I think I’ll masturbate to it tonight.

Speaking of which, I did masturbate in the library.  Only for a minute or two, but I did.  So there!  I make my goal for the week.  ::does the happy public masturbation dance::

I am so fucked up.  And I’m not drunk or stoned or anything.  Of course, all the things I’ve eaten today are pure sugar.  Two powdered donuts and a Coke.  Oh, and I ate a small bag of Fritos.  Those are pure fat, carbs, and salt.  I eat so healthfully.

Oh, and I found more lyrics.  Yay for me.  See above post for my philosophical moment.

Luvverzz,
Mrs. Billie Joe, aka Dru

P.S. Oh fucking awesome.  I was looking for “Billie Joe Avatars” on google.com and my blog is the 8th link!  So fucking cool.