It hurts.
I just wish I know how.
It’s like suddenly I’m just crying and rocking back and forth and hating myself and feeling guilty for ever making anyone worry about me.
And I’m terrified to let anyone find out.
But I’m so scared that if no one does it’ll be too late.
I’m snorting pills and hurting myself again.
I hate myself for it, but I can’t stop.
And now I’m here.
Typing words that don’t mean shit.
This is what happens when you have no life and you download free software. You make avatars! And you make a few on paint as well because … well … because. ^_^
And the best one: 
Those abstinence people really piss me off sometimes. Why should true love wait? Sometimes true love isn’t meant for marriage. Don’t you want the memories? What if s/he died before the wedding? Not that sex is everything, but shouldn’t making love be a memory? [/sappy]
In other news, I’ve updated “It Was Only a Kiss”, “How We Stay Here (or Waiting)” … and written a few drabbles and oneshots.
I’ll give you all a drabble later. ^_^
Well, I’m feeling better.
But I’m talking to this girl online who is exactly like I was last year. Remember my super depressing posts? Cutting and drugs and all that shit?
I just wanna squeeze her and tell her she’s pretty and make her believe it.
She’s anorexic and I think she’s gonna use pills. And I keep telling her my horror stories because I’m hoping that’ll make her trust me and then I can get her to stop all this shit.
Because it just leads you no where.
And no where sucks ass.
-sigh-
My only current problem is that my mom’s an annoying bitch and I’m worried I got an STD from that blowjob fucker. Which seems like shit compared to this girl.
>.<
Luvverzz,
Dru
I just wish that I never would have done that. I wouldn’t be thinking these things. Like kind of wanting to again and then feeling dirty. Remembering every detail and feeling unclean but not being able to get it out of my head. Turning my head when people kiss on TV because it makes me guilty.
I’m just going to do what Andie said and stay away from people and places that might convince me to do it again.
And repeat the entire process.
I don’t think I have any tears left to cry.
I can’t even listen to ‘Wake Me Up When September Ends’ anymore.
summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends …
I just got back from the dorms in my school. I met a guy from my town on MySpace. And I just … I went oral with him. And I never have.
And I feel really really dirty and I’m crying and I don’t know why.
He didn’t believe that it was my first time.
And that just made me feel worse.
I told my mom. She said I wasn’t dirty and everything but it didn’t really help. I was crying the whole time. And then I cried all quiet on the way home. And then I cried when he called. And then I cried on the phone with Andie. And my mom’s stepping on fucking eggshells. And I don’t want my stepdad to be mad because I can’t hug him right now I just can’t.
And … I’m worried I’ll do it again. And that if I don’t I’ll have to use pills and hurt me.
My mom said one of the worst things ever. He called me. I hung up my cell and turned it off. And my mom said ‘at least he called’.
And I know exactly why he called.
She kept telling me I’m the most chaste nineteen year old she knows. And that just made me feel like I got a big dent in me.
She thinks she’s helping and half the time she does.
But I had to run through the house and wipe off everything I touched with kleenex, even the toilet seat. And I even had to wipe off her hands. And in the car she grabbed mine to say it wasn’t dirty … but I still thought it was.
Fuck, I’m crying again.
And I just … feel fine and then I don’t. It sucks beyond belief.
ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when september ends.
