I put in job applications at the only two places in this town that could possibly be hiring that aren’t bars. I haven’t heard from either of them and it doesn’t help that I forgot to put contact information on the god damn applications.
Anyway, I’m going over to this town about 15-20 minutes from me and should be able to get 9 job applications, at the very least.
Because I need a job.
I can’t just sprout wings and fly to fucking Cali.
-bangs head against something-
Mood swings. Suck. Bad.
One second I’m talking to Andie in tears and the next I’m giggling.
I wonder how many of these fuckers I’m going to have before I’m laying in my bed wanting to fuck myself up just so I can be in a state of nothingness. No mood swings.
But I won’t.
Because I love her.
And I know she doesn’t like it.
But that doesn’t keep me from wanting to sometimes.
fuck
why do i have to
feel like tears build up
like a damn waiting
just waiting to explode
drown the world in my tears
but i’m not depressed
not wanting to hurt
not wanting to cut
just wanting to be
why is so hard to just exist
for a moment?
it’s hard simply because
it’s a moment that
you
can’t
have
I miss you.
Please come back to INO. ):
My username’s “Amor Vincit Nikki.”
Pleeeease?
… I don’t know if I can. I have this problem called ‘fandom jumping’ and it’s hard as hell for me to come back to a fandom. It’s happened to me two times out of the dozens of fandoms I’ve been in. One of those times was Green Day. The other was something only my girlfriend and two other groupies know.
Thus far the only My Chem story I’ve managed an update for is ‘A Kiss is Like … Emotional’. And it took a lot just for that.
I’m sorry.
Luvverzz,
Mrs. Adrienne Armstrong, aka Dru
I still think all homophobics and anti-homosexual pricks should rot in hell. But it’s never been personal before.
And I’ve fallen away from politics a bit lately, but all this gay stuff that’s popping up in the news …
It makes me want to kick people and bite them and hit them.
George W. Bush and his stupid fucking trying to ammend the Constitution because of his stupid conservative beliefs. I don’t have everyone who’s a conservative or a Christian. But people like him are what make me question my faith.
I’ve been thinking hard about my faith lately. And what I’ve found out is that God is a prick and Jesus is pretty fucking cool. So, I like half of the schizophrenic personality the Christian religion is based upon.
But that’s got nothing to do with this post. Or maybe it does. Because I can say whatever the fuck I want to in my posts. But right now I don’t want to talk about this topic anymore. It scares the shit out of me.
I don’t like people who freak out if you tell them you’re gay or bi or whatever. Like I told this stupid bitch at my school I was bi and she immediately crossed her arms over her chest. Like I was fucking looking. Just because someone favours the same gender doesn’t mean they have a crush on everyone of the same gender. Do you think that about heterosexuals? I don’t think so.
…
Did I ever tell you how I realized I was a bisexual? I know I posted my ‘Coming Clean’ thing on here quite awhile ago, talking about how I wasn’t sure of my sexual orientation even though I’d told everyone I was bi simply because everyone told me I was bi.
But then I woke up one morning and realized that I wanted to tie Adrienne Armstrong to a bed and do all sorts of naughty things to her. And I know most of you are saying that makes me bi-curious, but that’s how I knew. I’d been so confused and that just made things clear for me. Then came along the finding women attractive. And then being more interested in women than men.
Then of course, came Andie.
♥
Luvverzz,
Mrs. Adrienne Armstrong, aka Dru
I just installed AIM on my computer because Andie doesn’t have MSN at her dad’s and sending emails back and forth is really fucking annoying. But worth it, of course. ^__^
I’m making chicken. Because I’m sick of dry Cheerios being my supper. Or nothing at all, as seems to be the case. I don’t eat a lot really, but I’m not doing it for ana purposes or anything. I just … don’t eat.
Our house is a fucking pit. At least 4 times a week my mother manages to reduce me to tears in under 2 minutes. Andie has school now so we can’t talk as much.
But at least I’ll be getting a job soon.
And everyday Cali’s that much closer.
She makes a lot of it worth it. I’m not sitting around bawling. Well, I am. But not as much. And I’m not hurting myself or taking pills I’m not supposed to. Even though …
Oh, fuck it. I’m not getting into that here. I already wrote it out on another journal. I don’t want to put it here.
And I’m not telling you what journal. Not to be mean, but the less people who read it the better. It makes me feel like a complete bitch, what I wrote.
I’ve been listening to “Graduation Day” be Head Automatica. I don’t know why I keep doing that to myself. I mean for 4 fucking years all you do is bitch about school and how much you want graduation so you can leave. And then senior year comes and you just want to hold onto it forever and stay there forever. Everyone’s telling you that high school friendships rarely last forever and you want to believe so much that it’s not true, that you and your friends will be the exception.
Then a year’s come and gone and you’re sitting on your computer typing this stupid entry that maybe five people will read.
But I know that if I stayed in Bedford like I said I should have my life would be so different. I wouldn’t have Andie, I would still be living under my dad’s rules, people wouldn’t know who the fuck I was. I’d never have written the stories I have.
-shrug-
Choices are cruel.
But I know they’re necessary.
And I know I made the right one no matter how much I hate parts of what came from it sometimes.
Luvverzz,
Mrs. Adrienne Armstrong, aka Dru
